- Les Miserables:Ex-criminal can't catch a fucking break. Crazy cop can't handle multi-dimensional personalities. Boring love interest remains everyone's least favorite character. Everyone you love dies.
- The Phantom of the Opera:Overly dramatic opera singer is caught between a dick boyfriend and a serious case of Stockholm syndrome.
- Wicked:Misunderstood loner chick tries to help people and everyone fucks her over anyway.
- West Side Story:Romeo and Juliet with really tame gangs and sassy Puerto Ricans.
- Grease:If your asshole love interest doesn't like your personality, change everything about yourself.
- Rent:AIDS sucks.
- Cats:Freaky looking cats. That's it. There's literally no plot.